Bloody hell, Britain…

Will someone just make a decision? It’s British to the core isn’t it, all this faffing about. We never say how we really feel. To outsiders, we’re a nation of flustered Hugh Grants, beating around the eternal bush, and now the people supposed to be drawing conclusions for the good of the confused, are so bloody flummoxed themselves that no one knows what the hell’s going on. We can hardly keep up on this hemisphere. HELLO?!

Let me get this right. Poor Gordon’s continued presence in Downing Street was seen as harming Labour’s chances of reaching a deal, so he’s shut himself away to tuck into some nice digestive biscuits with his gran, who’ll tell him over and over again what a lovely boy he is and how he’s simply misunderstood (probably). Meanwhile Labour and the Tories try desperately to woo the Lib Dems with promises on electoral reform, when everyone knows they’re all greedy control-freaks in disguise as a beacon of hope, anyway. It’s all just soooooo dramatic.

David Miliband might be up against his brother, and we’re warned that someone called Ed Balls, the school secretary (Ed BALLS, the SECRETARY for gods sake!) also wants a look in as the leading Labour man, now Brown’s out of the picture. It’s a reality TV show in the making, isn’t it. The eviction process is always screwed when someone actually quits, but it just makes it all the more riveting. As it stands now, no one’s in charge. No one. It’s so embrassing to watch from afar. But it does leave an opening.

I think Britain should take a leaf out of this guy’s book. Sharkey the Vampire has got it all figured out. He’s a self-described vampire who’d previously announced plans to run for governor of Minnesota on the Vampyres, Witches and Pagan’s ticket.

It might seem like madness but at least he has a bloody plan. (Bloody being the operative word). He might not have thought about taxes, or schooling, or who’s gonna pay his expenses when the public next refuse, but when he originally announced he was going for the gig, this man who admittedly looks like a murderer, stated very clearly his plans for people who abuse children:

“They’ll be tried by me, beaten, tortured, dismembered, decapitated, impaled, and their heads will be put on display… This is the Viking State. Start acting more like Vikings. You got a problem? Take it to the streets. People need to get a set of balls and a spine.”

Good for him, I say. Even crazy people understand politics better than the British. Make a plan and stick to it. Don’t do things half-heartedly and then wiggle out of the consequences any which way you can. You don’t see vampire clans shuffling back on their agenda, whinging, crying, quitting and whimpering things like “I couldn’t POSSIBLY make such a grand decision on behalf of everybody else. I wouldn’t want to impose. Will someone else just deal with it, please?” No. They just swoop on in there and get the blimmin’ job done.

Back to Ed Balls. You can see the newspaper puns already, bless him.