Now that I’m back from my travels round this fabulous country, I’m left with no job and no real purpose. I’m a gypsy vagabond living in Bondi. As I type, the Lifestyle channel is flickering fashion advice at me from a giant plasma screen – the irony of which is heightened as I slob about on my new plush sofa wearing mismatching socks and a t-shirt. I might leave the flat today. I might not (sigh).
Yesterday I was offered a glimmer of hope in the form of a call from a recruitment lady, who teased me with the prospect of working for a large Aussie bank. I KNOW!!! The pay would have been more than I’ve ever earned in my life, but sadly, having scoured my CV I am assuming this sensible woman has since realised that placing someone like me in the company of numbers and finance would have been a very bad idea. Numbers hate me and for the majority of my life, so have banks. Why stop now?
Anyway, as the world of banks and finance turns without me, something to look forward to is the release of my very first book, which is all set to hit a shelf near you next February; I am told, February 1st, so mark it in your calendars – whoop!!! The title has been changed a bit. At first I just called it ‘The Dubai Diaries’, but now it has evolved to ‘Burqalicious – The Dubai Diaries’ which is far more chick-litty and catchy and will hopefully encourage lots more people to pick it up and at least THINK about buying it before it hits the bargain bin. Oh yes!
I will have to employ a large group of people to scour all good book shops (and KMart) to pull them all out again if that happens, by the way. I can’t think of anything more embarrassing. In fact, seeing my book in the bargain bin would be the literary equivalent to having the school bully pull my knickers down in the playground, in front of everyone. But we can’t think about such things. Not yet, anyway. You can help stop this from happening before it starts. YES, YOU!!!
In preparation for this release I have set up a facebook group, so I’ll do my best to keep it updated with lovely things to do with… well… the book. And also Dubai. And maybe even some other things that I’ll twist to seem like they relate when actually they don’t. JOIN ONE, JOIN ALL! And tell your friends, too.
As you can see, the cover is looking very glitzy indeed. I am told it will feature added sparkles when it’s done, which is very exciting isn’t it?! I harboured the hope that perhaps the publishers would add some sort of hologram that’d reach out from the handbag there and grab prospective buyers rather controversially in the nether-region, or a mini battery operated laser light show from the top of the Burj Al Arab for added attention seeking purposes. But that wasn’t in the budget. And I think it looks very nice anyway. And yes, that lady on the cover is obviously me. They took the liberty of portraying me after a boob job, botox and collagen in my lips, which I think was very sensible.
I always wanted to see my own book in a book shop and I consider myself very lucky that I’ve been given this opportunity. Even if I’ll be a jobless, rotten corpse on a Bondi sofa by the time of its release, surrounded by coffee cups and cat fur. On that note, if anyone has any odd jobs for me, do let me know. I’ll do anything. (But not that).
Back to the TV…. Ooooh Trinny and Susannah, excellent….