Dear Teddy Ruxpin: why must you haunt me so???

teddyruxpin-e“Will you go to sleep before I do?’ he sang into my ear, and as a six year old I shook my tired head and said NO, Teddy, no I won’t fall asleep before you… zzzzzzzzzz….”

And that was it. So soothing were his words. So mesmerising was his voice.

For some reason that song, “will you go to sleep before I do,” popped back into my head last night. I stopped to ponder why. Was it, perhaps, because I was scribbling way too late into the night, still hyped from the day’s coffee, propelled by the endless list of things I still had to do? Was it, perhaps, because even at thirty-four years of age I still can’t get the comforts of a teddy bear’s presence out of my restless subconscious mind?

No. None of that. It’s because Teddy Ruxpin is EVIL.

Seriously. When I looked him up on YouTube to see what he’d been up to, this is what I found. He’s still singing his same soothing song, but now the hands of time have turned him into some sick geriatric, stationary spirit stuck in a toy’s stuffing. It’s almost as though he wants me to go to sleep so he can stab me in the back as I’m dancing through my dreams.

Why did I not see this before?

Because I was an innocent child back then, obviously. And now I am bent, sick, twisted and really need to stop over-analysing the actions of battery operated soft toys.

It’s not your fault Teddy Ruxpin. But please don’t kill me.