Don’t be frightened, Santa…

I just found a list of the scariest Santa’s… and yes I was working when I came across it (don’t ask). The thing that scares me the most in these photos though, isn’t the range of pedophiles and freaks responsible for enchanting children in a festive fashion. It’s the kids. Some of these kids are just effing FRIGHTENING.

This girl on the left here looks like she lives under a bridge, in a swamp, mumbling things about how humans shouldn’t mingle with trolls. Has she been Photoshopped to look like a punched out, helium-filled zombie or is that just what unfortunate photographers had to deal with before digital manipulation made things pretty? Ugh.

Her face takes up 85 per cent of this picture… a picture that’s supposed to be about Santa. Advertising Standards have rules about this sort of thing these days. These days, rotting innards are only allowed to take up 20 per cent of cigarette packs, terrifying peer-pressured teenagers everywhere… yet it was once deemed fine for equally terrible troll girls to cover the majority of Christmas scenes?! Hmmm….

To me it looks like poor Santa is actually laughing in the background of this photo, ’cause he’s trapped her in some random schmuck’s house, where she can’t eat any more people. This photo was taken in the moments before she realised what was up, smashed the glass and gobbled him up, beard, ballsack n all. Arrrgh!!! Stop ruining Christmas for everyone, just STOP.

This next photo is just as scary in my opinion. The kid on the right looks like a wise old man, trapped in a toddler’s body. Don’t you think?? He’s probably sitting there on Santa’s knee, wishing for a pipe and slippers, like a real-life Benjamin Button. Look at his toothless retirement smile. His brother’s not much better, but at least he has the decency not to let his face reveal the scary aged thoughts coursing through his little brain.

I hate when kids have grown up faces… it’s just weird. But there must be tons of them out there. We just don’t see them.

Photos like this don’t make it into the public sphere anymore because people like me are just way too cruel and judgmental. In 2010, if they hadn’t been ridiculed into suicide already, troll girl would be an anorexic ballerina and Benjamin Button over here would’ve had his face adjusted at birth by his embarrassed parents. AND YEAH I’M BEING MEAN, but you know it’s true. Kids aren’t allowed to be this ugly anymore. They have beautiful televised role models and rake-thin magazine people to answer to. They have Trinny and Susannah, Extreme Makeover and Make My Baby Into Something I Can Love. And if anyone shoots these little angels at a bad angle, they have a delete button.

No wonder no one really sees Santa much. He’s probably in therapy most of the time as a result of dealing with all these weirdos. Poor Santa.

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