No, that is not a one-man-disco taking place in a child’s bedroom. It’s a fucking BRIGHT LIGHT BLANKET, the latest product on an American infomercial to blow my mind. As if the doggy thundershirt wasn’t enough! Holy crow!
The Bright Light Blanket is exactly what it looks like. A blanket that lights up your kid’s bed like a space ship so they can sleep in delightful pink, yellow and green orbs and you can sleep feeling like an ominous alien army is hovering above your baby’s bed waiting to give them an anal probe the minute they finish with Barney the Dinosaur. It’s GENIUS. And it never existed when I was a child. I feel denied. Don’t you?
The website also offers Bright Light Pillows, but even more excitingly I think is the fact that they recommend these items for travel:
Imagine travelling with a flashing, lit-up neon pillow. Amazing. I mean, if I felt denied before I feel even more denied now, because I just spent a year in Indonesia without one. Think of all the friends I would have made if I’d been “Becky with the flickering travel Bright Light Pillow” instead of “Becky with the Winnie the Pooh suitcase and fake flower hair-clip”. It would have been a totally different story… a different book. I like to think Balilicious is a little quirky in parts but I have to apologise now to future readers because there’s a considerable lack of Bright Light Pillows on all my agonisingly long bus, car and boat rides. No one knew I was there half the time. I didn’t glow in the dark once.
They also recommend this pillow for sleepovers. I never had one at any of my frickin’ sleepovers! IS THIS WHY I’M SINGLE?
Such a shame. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Get your Bright Light Pillow or Blanket today.