I just woke up from the weirdest series of dreams I think I’ve ever had, which may or may not be a result of gorging on endless supplies of pizza before bedtime. But anyway, you know sometimes you just have to share?
So, in the first bit of the dream I drove to a shopping mall in Dubai with Tracy, who was actually going to a nearby spa resort with another friend (la-di-daaa). I went inside alone and saw a fish and chip stand, with two ladies working there. It expanded into a proper shop and before I knew it, I was working with them. My job seemed to last about a week – I even got paid at the end of one shift. You know how dreams make everything seem longer?
They made me wear a hideous apron but we got loads of free fish and chips, which was awesome. Then I realised that one of the women was a really nice lady I actually did once work with in a sandwich shop, in Lincoln, but she had scary, crooked teeth. And then I realised there was a wooden door in the shop that had an endless flight of stairs leading down from it, which was actually quite frightening as no one would talk about it or tell me where it led. Then two gay guys appeared and started doing naughty things next to me as I tried to take a nap on a bed that had miraculously appeared in the shop, uurrrrgh. I tried to look away and when I couldn’t I hopped off the bed and decided to take a walk down the endless stairs.
Then the dream changed. I was holding a baby, which was actually mine, although whenever I held it, its eyes went all glazed and it looked as though it was going to die, so I handed it to my mum who was handily also in the dream, at which point a chest of drawers I happened to be sitting on started trying to buck me off it, like a wild stallion. It flipped and spun and I started screaming, and when eventually I got off, my parents told me I had always attracted weird energy and maybe that’s why I was killing the baby (gulp).
Suddenly there was a massive buffet in the room and I was starving, so I decided to get some food for me and the baby, but the only thing I seemed to care about getting was chocolate bars. They had all these weird flavours but I was only legally allowed three, so I spent ages standing there, sifting through them, deciding which ones to get. It felt like hours.
Then I woke up and it was raining outside. And it still is. Figure that one out, Freud.