Now, you know I don’t like to complain…

…But seriously. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? I ordered my breakfast this morning, in a lovely little cafe in Coogee, called Oneness. And this is what showed up. It’s supposed to be “poached eggs on wholewheat with a side of handmade sausages”, but when it showed up… well, this happened.

I snapped this with my phone, after I made them take the toast away, which was not only cold, but looked like something you’d buy from the supermarket during poor week. You know, the week before payday, when you’re skint? One slice even had that big bit of crust on the back, from the end of the loaf! You know that bit you always work around and eventually chuck in the bin, ‘cos the stuff in the middle is always so much nicer?


The eggs were cold and dry. And the handmade sausages… well, I shouldn’t complain about them I suppose. God knows if I made sausages myself  they wouldn’t even look like this. Well, actually they might, but only I after I tried to mould them into little replicas of the Harbour Bridge, or into the image of my friend Stacey’s face, and gave up, and smashed the meat into the table with my fist. But these ones looked like pink spam patties. And spam is not something I want to face when I get up in the morning. Or ever, actually. Urrrrgh!!!

I don’t like to complain about food, because whenever I do I get a little image of Lenny Henry in Africa pop up in my head, begging and pleading, wearing a red nose. He’s usually surrounded by the skin and bones of starving orphans, with flies on their faces. And their families, who’d all probably love a bit of spam on a Sunday morning. But seriously, Lenny. Would you put up with this in Sydney? WOULD YOU? No, I don’t think so.

I don’t want to sound like a food snob… but I AM a food snob so how can I not sound like one? Pah.

Hmmmm…. this has given me an idea for a new blog, just for things that make you go “WHAT THE F*&K!!!” I think I shall start it now. Don’t tell Oneness that I didn’t like their brekkie though. Once they brought me my new toast and took my bad eggs away, and replaced the whole lot with something edible, it was absolutely delicious, and I’ll definitely go there again. But if they’re going to get things sent back all the time from miserable cows like me, they really should set up a special food parcel delivery program with Lenny Henry. I hate seeing food go to waste.