Word on the street is that there’s a new Justin Bieber on the block. I know. Surely having one roaming the planet is enough, right? WRONG.
Don’t be ridiculous. Bieber’s not even old enough to form zits, yet he’s squeezing zillions of dollars out of impressionable pre-pubescent tweens. Why stop now? The ball’s rolling before his have dropped… quick, quick, who else can we sign up!?
Well how about this kid? Aussie Cody Simpson is just THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. Oh yeah. A prime target. He sings OK and plays OK but more importantly, he’s of the same twinkle-eyed ilk that first got hearts pounding over Bieber. That little Canadian cash-spinner bought Usher a new set of wheels and a new-found respect from the teeny-bopper market, and now everyone wants a slice of the pop-tween pie.
And let’s face it, there’s nothing like a tousle-haired, surf-loving, family-friendly Aussie boy to follow suit. Way to go Usher, you’ve opened up a can of warbling worms and years down the line, when these kids grow up and no one buys their records anymore and they’re ridiculed around the streets of Hollywood, they’ll keep the tabloids happy with stories of their sad demise in the eyes of their once adoring fans. TONS more money to made there. Maybe a movie deal or two?
AWESOME!!! Everyone’s a winner!!
They’re plucking ‘em practically fresh from the womb these days. Actually… I reckon someone should commission a reality TV contest called ‘Womb Idol’. Hell yeah! That’s a great idea, and totally budget-friendly. Parents-to-be who deem themselves musically talented will line up around the block to strut their stuff before a panel, in order to secure their unborn children’s future as the pop-star they themselves never were. The winner’s eventual birth will be filmed and set behind a track composed from the beat of his/her heart and a sponsor from You Tube will knock on their door every month until they’re 18 years old, demanding a musical score (as agreed to in the contract).
I can’t help but feel for Cody Simpson. A few months ago he was strumming for friends at backyard barbecues on the Gold Coast, and now he’s shooting his first single, the abysmal ‘iYiYi’ featuring Flo Rida’ with his doting dad and sister accompanying his every move/milking his sudden shot to fame.
Puberty is still a foreign concept to this singing sperm, who admits his first song was actually about putting a nappy on a chicken (er, OK). He’s another You Tube “sensation” who was spotted/scouted out by songwriter and producer Shawn Campbell (the bloke behind Jay-Z and Missy Elliott). The grooming has well and truly commenced. It won’t be long before he’s being ushered into restaurants with his jacket over his head, dodging the pounces of mentally disturbed twenty-somethings and being stalked by every pedophile in his post code. What a life, what a career! Who’s next, I wonder?
Here’s one of many videos he’ll look back on and inevitably wish he didn’t post (bless)