Starbucks, stupid trainers and my inner Scrooge…

It’s started. Fucking Christmas. I was given my Starbucks Vanilla Latte in a Christmas cup today and even though I’m in Peru and can’t really understand anyone, I knew… I just knew the girl was offering me a gingerbread slice on the side. Fuck off with your gingerbread slices. And shove your Christmas cups. I am not buying into your Christmas cheer. I am a solo traveller with no friends and the other day a cab driver robbed me of my change, the equivalent of $40, which I was going to spend on wine (probably), which is why I am in Starbucks anyway, feeling sorry for myself. I’m trying to be a horrible scrooge. Can you at least humour me?

Starbucks brings me closer to things I understand in a scary, strange land where thieves with insidious eyes and dark intentions lurk on every corner. Starbucks smells like London and New York and Singapore and Madrid and god forbid, even one distant corner of Ubud in Bali. I know I shouldn’t be here. I hate myself already for participating in the globalization of a brand intent on putting the teeny tiny Peruvian coffee shop next door out of business… do you have to make me feel worse? Yes. Yes of course you do, so you play ‘Santa Baby’ at full blast over the speakers as soon as I sit down. Great. Thanks.

I’ve decided to go to Colombia for Christmas, for several reasons really. They have Starbucks there too, so if I feel like being a spoilt, whinging, white-whining backpacker discontent with her lot I can mope about there too. Also I know they like salsa music there, so maybe the salsa music will drown out the dulcet tones of Mariah Carey, or Adele’s imminent cover of something by Cliff Richard, or Justin Bieber’s latest offering, complete with video featuring him in huge-tongued designer trainers on the back of a reindeer. As if anyone wears designer trainers on the back of a reindeer. As if anyone sits on a reindeer.

Jesus.

I think Medellin sounds nice. It has lots of lights during December. So many lights in fact that I’d watch your own electricity bills because it’s a bit suspicious really, how they’re paying for it all. While Christmassy and ultimately annoying, these lights will at least be very pretty and will enable me to feel less like a gypsy and more like an escaped princess from an animated movie, like Rapunzel in Tangled when she sings that nice song from the canoe with the hot 3D guy as they look at the floating lanterns. Yes. That’s how I’m going to spend Christmas: imagining I’m not real… imagining I was created on a giant, double-screened Mac by a Disney employee wearing thick-rimmed glasses… and huge-tongued designer trainers, perhaps. That’s way more interesting.

OK enough. I think maybe Starbucks put something in my Latte. I’m not normally so mean.

OK maybe I am.

Fuck you Christmas.

 

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2 thoughts on “Starbucks, stupid trainers and my inner Scrooge…

  1. Very fucking disappointing Becky, as an avid fan of Burqualicious, I can’t spell right now, bit pissed, this Christmas shit is getting to me already, I am so, soo, sooo jealous. I am the queen, I believe, of poorly timed travel. You are in PERU, I just spent 8 months in South America, and I am home in AUSTRALIA. You have the luxury of spending the festive season with people who pretty much have no inhibitions, I love it, they pay scant regard to the law, they laugh and dance even when it seems totally inappropriate and for the love of God, the men are beautiful. This brings me to my main reason for contacting you. I want to know where have you been and what have you seen (manwise), because serioulsy South America is like a really weird mixed bag of lollies. I read (I think in the Lonely Planet Volunteer Edition) that there is a very unruly statistic whereby, huge numbers of female Greenpeace volunteers marry Ecuadorian men. This I can understand, while in the Amazon in Ecuador, I had the pleasure of meeting a fabulous man called Riccardo, he could do anything. He was sweet and kind, helped with luggage, cooked, and also carried a machete that he used to make a raft and taught me how to use a deadly mouth spear gunny thing. Seriously. Sadly though, Peru proved fairly uneventful, except for a few cuties that hang out in that stupid irish pub in Cuzco that Bono visited. Bolivia is a whitewash. Then things hot up – Argentina and Brazil – seriously what are your feelings on this issue.

    1. HAHA! Well yeah the South American men are hot and very hands on, particularly in places like Ecuador and Peru, and out in the jungle, but I know a lot of women who’ve been stung by men, mostly in Argentina, where they’re at their hottest!! Beware, I would say! I do live in hope though, looking forward to Brazil. I’ll report back 😉

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