It’s started. Fucking Christmas. I was given my Starbucks Vanilla Latte in a Christmas cup today and even though I’m in Peru and can’t really understand anyone, I knew… I just knew the girl was offering me a gingerbread slice on the side. Fuck off with your gingerbread slices. And shove your Christmas cups. I am not buying into your Christmas cheer. I am a solo traveller with no friends and the other day a cab driver robbed me of my change, the equivalent of $40, which I was going to spend on wine (probably), which is why I am in Starbucks anyway, feeling sorry for myself. I’m trying to be a horrible scrooge. Can you at least humour me?
Starbucks brings me closer to things I understand in a scary, strange land where thieves with insidious eyes and dark intentions lurk on every corner. Starbucks smells like London and New York and Singapore and Madrid and god forbid, even one distant corner of Ubud in Bali. I know I shouldn’t be here. I hate myself already for participating in the globalization of a brand intent on putting the teeny tiny Peruvian coffee shop next door out of business… do you have to make me feel worse? Yes. Yes of course you do, so you play ‘Santa Baby’ at full blast over the speakers as soon as I sit down. Great. Thanks.
I’ve decided to go to Colombia for Christmas, for several reasons really. They have Starbucks there too, so if I feel like being a spoilt, whinging, white-whining backpacker discontent with her lot I can mope about there too. Also I know they like salsa music there, so maybe the salsa music will drown out the dulcet tones of Mariah Carey, or Adele’s imminent cover of something by Cliff Richard, or Justin Bieber’s latest offering, complete with video featuring him in huge-tongued designer trainers on the back of a reindeer. As if anyone wears designer trainers on the back of a reindeer. As if anyone sits on a reindeer.
I think Medellin sounds nice. It has lots of lights during December. So many lights in fact that I’d watch your own electricity bills because it’s a bit suspicious really, how they’re paying for it all. While Christmassy and ultimately annoying, these lights will at least be very pretty and will enable me to feel less like a gypsy and more like an escaped princess from an animated movie, like Rapunzel in Tangled when she sings that nice song from the canoe with the hot 3D guy as they look at the floating lanterns. Yes. That’s how I’m going to spend Christmas: imagining I’m not real… imagining I was created on a giant, double-screened Mac by a Disney employee wearing thick-rimmed glasses… and huge-tongued designer trainers, perhaps. That’s way more interesting.
OK enough. I think maybe Starbucks put something in my Latte. I’m not normally so mean.
OK maybe I am.
Fuck you Christmas.