Notice how the owner of this yellow car has tried in vein to hide a small portion of this Christmas monstrosity? A valiant effort, don’t you think? Shame he fails miserably. Seeing this brings back memories. I used to live in a house like this, in Brooklyn, New York. It wasn’t actually MY house that was decorated like Santa’s Grotto, rather the apartment next to mine. But seeing as our homes were adjoined I couldn’t exactly go out with a tape measure and demand her giant, billowing, blow-up soldier stop bending towards my window in the wind like a smirking stalker fondling himself as I got undressed. I had to put up with it. My whole house looked like THIS for a month.
My neighbour even had an offensive, life-sized Rudolph outside, next to the soldier, whose flashing nose used to keep me awake at night. I remember how each flickering beam of light blared through my paper thin blinds and through my eyelids till I felt like one of those characters in a horror film, trapped in a fun house. I couldn’t say anything because the local children loved it and I didn’t want to be seen as the British Grinch, stealing Christmas. I knew she’d regret it anyway, eventually. I bet her electricity bill was huge.
It was so fucking embarrassing though, living there. Every time someone came over I felt like I should be dressed as an elf, handing out candy canes. She even had a perspex box of teddies in the window, where you’d normally place plants in pots. I’d come home to find them grinning to a tinkly Christmas tune, illuminated by an energy-consuming, brothel-like red bulb. It creeped the shit out of me. I wish I could find the photos! I’m all for Christmas spirit, but when it comes to polluting your neighborhood with unwanted light and unsightly inflatable predators, like this,… well… there’s a line you just shouldn’t cross.