When you’re way too hot to write, you notice these things instead…

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1. That the ceiling fan is sodding USELESS because it’s pointed not at your body, where you’re lying on your bed in a pool of your own Dove-deodorized sweat, but at the mosquito net ABOVE your bed, which lets none of the air through. Ironically, it lets mosquitoes through.

2. That you really should continue bashing out the words to your latest book but all that keeps appearing on your Word document is the line ‘She dreamed delectable dreams of a giant Magnum – the way it dripped its thick, chocolaty mass into her mouth from a height, from the hands of an even hotter man called…’ and then you can’t think of a name because a) you’re too hot to be creative and b) that’s not your bloody story AT ALL, you’re just too hot to remember what it is you’re supposed to be writing.

3. That even though you’re really hot right now and miles from the shop where the Magnums are (and the men), it will be WORSE when you go home in December because the news headlines are currently telling you this: Screen Shot 2014-10-10 at 19.07.11

4. That you’re really quite a spoilt cow.

5. That you should probably leave your house and enjoy the sunshine.