Why I now hate TopShop…

topshop_blog_FotorIt’s not them, it’s me. I can’t wear their clothes anymore. ANY of them. I think it’s my age. I did a bit of a sweep yesterday in preparation for my upcoming trip to Vietnam and the first warning sign that something was amiss was my absolute disdain for the gargantuan Oxford Street store itself. I used to love this store. I could happily spend eight hours in there, gallivanting around, twirling in front of mirrors, irresponsibly maxing out my overdraft, but yesterday, my GOD.

The moment I stepped inside I felt like I was in a nightclub, what with its pounding beats and vibrating coat hangers. I felt more like I should be waving a fucking glowstick in there than shopping for a pair of pants. What is the point of such volume? I put my earphones on and scowled my way round the gaggles of hotpant-wearing teens as I played my favourite playlist (possibly featuring some jazz) to soothe my throbbing head. But it was not over.

The second warning that my TopShop days might be over occurred when, having gathered the few items I thought would not make me look like a nineties throwback or someone’s mum trying to look sixteen, I approached the changing room, only to realise I could not be arsed to queue. Not even for five minutes. Just the thought of lining up had me so pissed off with it all that I made excuses in my head like ‘this won’t fit me anyway’, ‘I’ll look like shit in this’, just so I would take myself away from the gossiping glossy girls with their mobile phones and size six figures and no clue of what’s to come when they get to thirty-four. I paid for it all without trying it on, just to get the hell out.

When I got home with my wares, I realised it all looked shit on me. Well, I think there was one thing that looked vaguely OK and that was a plain white T-shirt, slightly cropped. I studied myself in the mirror, thought ‘well, all is not lost,’ and then I fucking hated myself for admiring a plain white T-shirt. I mean, what’s happening to me? This is not good. Anyone can wear a T-shirt. And most people don’t want to.

Perhaps it’s best I’m going to Vietnam for a while.